I've abandoned my blogspot.

It's decided... I like tumblr a lot better.

Dark

It was night. I love night. The sweet romance in the dark chilled air, thoughts floating, waiting to be caught by any innocent mind willing to grasp.
It was a quiet night, the streets practically empty, the hollow lights of signs and traffic casting their glow in my path.
It was a perfect night, a perfect trap.

"So you sing me slow songs, and I'll drive you crazy tonight."

I felt him barring into me with unseeing eyes. I don’t know where he was, but I knew he was there, lurking in the darkness, waiting to stalk his prey.
Every glimpse of what I thought was him sent me into chills. A whisper of cloth, a biker rides by, a car horn honks, a romance dies.
I didn’t want to see him. He was the ghost of my past, a haunting I didn’t want anymore. Exorcise him from me, for I have seen the destructive path.

Yet his spirit beckoned me, calling and chiming in the innocent night.

Come on, Kitten, find the prey.

A soft breeze whispered through the trees as I peered into the darkness, my eyes trying to bore into the night, trying to find the secrets it hid, and the dangers within.
My spirit tugged, but my mind refused. I will not follow you into the dark. I will not succumb.

I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.

I stepped into the darkness with a new ease. Not afraid as I was enshrouded in the dark tendrils.

Here, kitty kitty. I know you want it...

The wind tousled my hair and I dug deeper into my sweater.
Then I stopped.

Come here, little kitten. Come here.

And I turned around. And went home.

Perhaps the kitten finally learned that curiosity killed the cat.

Oh yeah… and fuck you.

Tamil Tigers

I was talking to this girl at work about the crazy fiasco on the Gardener express way last night.

She said I was ill-informed and that my information is wrong... and yet I did my research and I was not ill-informed.

So here is my understanding.

These protestors are Tamils, their rebel group - the Tamil Tigers - are now cornered by the Sri Lanka government and are being killed ruthlessly.

Yes that is a tragedy, I assure you, but... the Sri Lanka government considers the Tamil Tigers as terrorists. They started the war with wanting to separate into their own separate province/country thing.

So really.. it's their fault.

Yes, I do think there should be protests for peace as this war has gone on long enough, but no... waving rebel flags (yes google Tamil Tigers... that was their flag and yes they are a terrorist group) on the Gardener express way during Mother's Day isn't the most convincing thing to do.

Sure it got your attention, but maybe instead of waving a rebel flag, wave a flag of peace.

Note that this war has been going on for about 50 years and that they decide to protest NOW when their rebel group is almost eliminated.

Interesting...

Thoughts?

OK I Decided

So, I'm going to keep this account.

The blogspot (http://pushing-pause.com) will be for columns, writing, sensible things to help hone my writing skills.

The tumblr (http://www.meshed.ca) will be for real life things.

I forgot I had two domain names, haha.

So if you can, I'd bookmark it via the domain name to save any future troubles.

Love ya! <3

So...

Apologies for my lack of using this thing. I have to admit, I kind of enjoy tumblr a lot more.. mainly for it's simplicity.

So I think I am going to switch my domain over to my tumblr and I recommend if you want to keep with my life you should check it out here.

I have to admit I will miss this hungry monster.

I am going to keep this account in cause I wanted to continue blogging important issues. So I guess it sucks to be you having to follow two of my accounts... and maybe I'll make my tumblr "meshed" and such... man so many thoughts.

I'll get back to you once I figure it out, haha.

Spread the Word.

Is this what humanity has come to?

Police are supposed to be the servers of justice, they are supposed to be beacons of safety when you're scared and punish the bad guys.

But obviously this isn't the case.

I'm sure most of you have heard buzzing about the events of the Bamboozle Road show.

Well check out my tumblr for two posts from Valencia, as well as links to another post by Valencia and one of Mercy Mercedes.

Spread the word because this is seriously fucked up.

I don't want to see the day when it's dying

I had the worst day in existence.

For those of you who don't know what I do, I work in the stock room at French Connection. Usually I don't mind it, but lately my inner anarchist is breaking out again, and to put it frankly, I'm fucking tired of being bossed around.

It's weird how the system works. Weird and very primal.

Basically, I chill out in this dark dungeon like basement and if someone upstairs needs a size..

"MING!"

Me: "Wait a second..."

"MING!"

"HOLD ON!"

"MIIINNNGGGG!"

"WHAT?!"

And then I get the size they want, and run up the stairs to give it to them.

I fucking hate it. Especially when I am busy. It's so annoying to be digging through a bag looking for a size, and having to drop everything because someone isn't patient enough to wait a few seconds.

Today was super busy at work, and everyone was irritating me to the max. Someone even fucking whistled for me.

I felt like a fucking dog. And always feel like one - getting called by name and having to come, and then fetch whatever the hell they want. I hate it.

I'd like to think I'm better than an animal.

And with the weather so freaking nice, being trapped in a basement sucks.

Another thing I hate about work... commission. The sales associates get commission, not a lot but it definitely adds up. It's only 1% (meaning if you sell a $300 coat, you get $3) but our clothes are expensive, so it adds up.

So sometimes I am upstairs and someone asks me for help. I start helping them, then someone wants me to run downstairs and fetch them aside... and they take my customer. I know it's kind of dumb to be pissed about it, but it kind of makes me pissed! That and I get clothes for the other employees and the sales person thinks they spent all their time digging through stuff to find the size. No it's ME!

I feel like I don't get any appreciation. And I definitely get paid less than them.

I think it's time for me to find a new job.

Anyways, enough ranting about work.

Well I shed some tears, I was that frustrated, and I came upstairs to leave and it was black outside.

It was incredible.

Apparently a tornado flew by and blew over a bunch of rock statue things some guy was working on.

Well I decided to walk home, because it seemed the weather has adjusted itself to my mood. Then it starts POURING, and the wind was INSANE.

It was so amazing and I was having so much fucking fun.

At an intersection some homeless punk like RUNS past me cause the wind was pushing him going "Whooa--a--a---aaooaaa!" It was fucking HILARIOUS.

And my bad mood disappeared.

It's nice when the weather is on your side.

Even though it pretty much shits on everyone else's parade, at least I am happy =)

The Ultimate Quest - Love

Apologies for not writing anything this past week. Exams have been the life draining force that is totally kicking my ass and causing me to question if life is really worth this pain.

But it's a Friday night and my mind has been working in overdrive. About school, how I want to be on the school newspaper, and just life in general.

And especially love.

I don't understand how it happens. Or when.

But really... what the fuck how?

I spend a lot of time creeping on people as I walk around, well not physically creeping, but I do enjoy the occasional people watch and I see so many happy couples grappling each other hand in hand, arm in arm, sometimes face in face. And all my romantic heart can do is be like "For fucks sake, WHY NOT ME?!"

A lot of people tell me I need to go out and just meet people. Well, unfortunately I am quite shy and am not good at going up to random strangers and saying something along the lines of "Hey, you're hot. Can you be my boyfriend and can we fall in love with each other and live happily ever after?" Yeah... sorry friends, it doesn't quite work that way. For me, at least!

And yeah I tried the online dating thing. Tried that plentyoffish.com only to find that I am not physically attracted to anyone. Is it wrong to not be physically attracted to someone, and thus ax them off?

I feel very shallow saying it, but really.. I don't have very high standards, but I definitely have a 'type' and well... physical attraction is important... which is probably why I am single to begin with.

I can't attract anyone worth shit! I need like a big neon sign that says 'I'm single... LOVE ME!' But even then...

I've also tried Craigslist and I've met some pretty sweet people on there. Some I actually felt attracted to... until they tried desperately to get me to cyber with them. Others, we get along great in text, but when/how do we make that next step to actually meeting each other off the internet world? Seems scary. I'm getting the chills just thinking about it.

I'm great at meeting people online. But really... offline? I'm so shy and timid, I can't let down my barrier right away and I often come off as 'frigid bitch of doom' because of my shyness. But online, I let my personality shine and when I click with someone I really click.

So what can a sad soul like me do when she so desperately wants to fall in love?

Well to be continued, my friends, to be continued...

I have a Confession... I'm Picky.

I have another confession that leads to this confession... I have a habit of posting personals on craigslist.

We can say I have been in a relationship-low for the last four years of my life.. meaning no relationships at all. Not even potential! There have been many a silly crushes, silly because I am fully aware nothing will come of them, but as for boyfriends... none.

No, I'm not terribly horny or anything, but the thought of a relationship is extremely appealing to me. Someone who loves me, and of whom I love. Someone I can laugh with, and share moments with...

Anyways, the worst part is though, I have set in my mind this perfect kind of guy, of which I can't seem to find at all. And it's not like he is unattainable... he's just unattainable for ME!

So what is this perfect guy, you say? Well I shall tell you.

For one, he should be fairly attractive. But I'm not picky in that way, a lot of my friends think the guys I think are hot are ugly >.<

I like slim guys (though its weird for them to be skinnier than me.. but hey!) and guys that are taller than me (obviously... anything shorter than me would be midget sized).

I have a preference towards dark hair, but no biggy... so where does this pickiness come in?

LIFE STYLE!

I love skaters. I love how they dress. I love the skinny jeans and vans/converse/skate shoes, and plaid and v-neck t-shirts, and tight cardigans, and old man sweaters, and hoodies. I love it.

I love indie musicians.

I don't even know why. I just find it so attractive.

I love the guys with the longish hair that have bangs that cover their eyes... but I'm also tending to go for guys with shorter hair now too.

Just not buzzed... and not past the shoulder.

I love guys with cool tattoos and piercings. But not too many.

I guess it's the kind of lifestyle I live, and I want my guy to live it too, makes sense right?

But why can't I attract any of these guys...?

I guess cause I'm not indie enough for them =p

I'm just myself... nothing I can do about that.

(I should post this on craigslist and see what I get... haha)

Record Store Day!

Apologies for the uber quiet voice. I'm not sure why but apparently i need to scream in order for my mic to hear me.

Sorry sorry sorry... even at full volume I can barely hear myself.

Moral of the story... RECORD STORE DAY ROCKS!

REVIEW: Ben Lee - The Rebirth of Venus

Finally did my first review... it wasn't a good one.

I hope I don't get kicked off for writing bad reviews but I was just not impressed. And I am pretty open minded... anywho...

Check it out here!

Tumblr-ing Around

So, I decided to hop on the Tumblr bandwagon and got a Tumblr for random thoughts.

So for those who want fun random tidbits that amuse me and that I want to share. Head here.

This will be for longer posts (usually).

So if you like reading epic novels of random yet brilliant things. Stay here =)

Music to My Ears

My favorite sound is probably the crackling of a record player before it starts playing...

Because I know I'll get to hear a musical orgasm soon.

What about you?

Currently Listening to: Death Cab for Cutie - Plans

(on vinyl... the best way to hear this... it is INCREDIBLE)

Falling in love is easy, it's Easy to do.

Though today should be a day where I point out my state of mind on an important issue (aka column attempt) I don't really have anything on my mind except the events of today, and just random thoughts.

So today I went to see This Providence in concert as well as some other bands.

The first was a girl named Brooke Waggoner. I hadn't heard of her until tonight but she was really wonderful. She played piano, and there was a violinist and a cellist as well.

It was kind of a musical melody with beautiful vocals and in between each would be almost a kind of melodic joke.

Check her out.

Next was Paper Routes. They were also good, but I didn't like them that much. The singer/techno-person-playing-a-weird-thing was pretty crazy and fun to watch. There was a moment I thought the other singer was lip-synching, but I think I was just crazy.

Then This Providence...

Out of all the Fueled by Ramen bands they probably rank in my top three with Phantom Planet, and Cobra Starship.

I found the songs very refreshing and I have to admit I like their EP 'The Bright Lights' and their self-titled album better than their newest one (though their newest one 'Who are you now?' has some great tracks too).

Anyways, I have to admit, the singer, Daniel is extremely hot and an amazingly good singer, and a great performer, and I pretty much melted.

He's actually great to watch, and it's obvious to see he is very passionate about his music.

And he has a great accent.

Anyways, Heather had to go, and this will be my last show with her in a while =(

I'm going to miss her!!!! SO MUCH!

And I hung out with her friends.

We ended up meeting Daniel and taking pics and I now have a celebrity-crush on him. I have quite the list of celebrity-crushes now. Those being people I've met, have a crush on, but can't attain them because of their status/them not knowing who the fuck I am except merely a fan.

Unfortunately, during Copeland, Heather's friends had to leave so I was all alone.

It's hard being alone, even if you don't talk to your friends during the performances, their presence is kind of a comfort. I always wish I was brave enough to go to concerts alone, as I would go to many more if that was the case (unfortunately, a lot of the music I enjoy, my friends don't really.)

Anyways, I felt really lonely.

I couldn't help it. Sometimes, I would close my eyes and just listen to the music - Copeland is good for that, but after they did their amazing cover of the Smashing Pumpkins 'Tonight, Tonight' I left. (I stayed for most of it. I missed like one or two songs.)

This is almost too embarrassing to post, but I figure this blog is me at my rawest, so I might as well.

I secretly hopped that I had caught the eye of This Providence's singer and he would see me leave, and then he would ask me why I was leaving... I'd explain I was all alone and hated it. He would offer to watch the show with me. We'd talk.

Be friends.

I'm such a hopeless romantic (and pretty sure he has a girlfriend.)

I don't know what it is.

But it's usually musicians I fall for.

Maybe it's because music is such a passion for me, and it's hard to find someone who feels equally passionate... at least openly...?

Except, of course, musicians.

And it seems, for me, a better kind of relationship. I need a lot of space, it's just the person I am, and him going on tour would give me that space.

But I also need to know I'm loved, and I'm there in his mind. I can be alone as much as I need to be, as long as I know that there is someone out there that cares for me.

It's strange, but the thought is what is important to me.

And then when he comes back, it would be fucking awesome...

I need to get my mind out of the romances! It's always something that is there at the back of my mind, and when it comes out my head just spins and spins. It's so dumb to be so obsessed with something so trivial. There are so many other things out there that I could worry about - like failing school....

Anyone new-ish to my blog... well for one, welcome. For two, I use my blog to get these mad thoughts out of my head. So get used to it, haha.

So now I'm going to continue eating my late-night spaghetti, and dreaming of that guy who'll sweep me off my feet.

No Wonder We're So Fat...

It's Tuesday! So what does that mean?

Column day!!!!!!!!!

Over the Easter weekend, I was vacationing in Boston with my parents, visiting my brother who now works there. It was quite wonderful despite the horrible weather that only lasted our stay there.

And the best part?

The food!

I love food. Actually, I used to not care about it, but after living with my roommates and living in Toronto (where there actually is good food) it's something I enjoy.

But as I enjoyed more food, I also enjoyed the 'wonders' of it... gaining weight.

It was then I bought this wonderful book that helped the great Anne Hathaway herself lose weight - Mireille Guiliano's 'French Woman Don't Get Fat'.

It's a great book, I recommend it to anyone. It's basically the no diet diet book, and as soon as I move out and start my new life (within the next few months, yahoo!) I'm going to start learning how to cook and ANYWAYS, I'm getting off topic.

It's been a while since I've eaten out at an actual establishment and I began to realize Guiliano was right! We American's (well Canadian) eat HUGE PORTIONS.

My brother soon had a collection of leftover's in his fridge, pretty much purely because of me. And the American's... well their portions are even larger!

At our first rest stop, I kind of wanted McDonalds (I know, how healthy of me) and I always get the Chicken McNuggets because they don't make me sick. Usually I get the 6-piece which is more than enough buuut... they only sold 10 pieces.

WHAT?

My dad also bought a medium coffee from this small coffee shop. It was the size of like an XL one at Second cup (do those even exist?)

So no wonder we are fat and that American's are known as the most obese people in the world! We feed them WAY TOO MUCH!

We went to this beautiful restaurant that made like real Italian pizza in Harvard square and we ordered three individual pizzas for four people.

They were the size of regular pizzas and we could barely get through them without being so full, we all felt like we were going to explode.

So maybe the best thing we can do it, is watch what we eat. Not only do we eat a lot, but we eat a lot of bad stuff.

So really... who do french women not get fat?

Because the French know to eat small portions slowly. That way you get fuller faster, and more portions, and actually enjoy their food.

Think about it.

Future Aspirations?

As most of you know, I want to be a music journalist...

I think it would be amazing, and as soon as university is up, I'm planning on moving to Cleveland and try to intern/get a job at AP magazine.

Anyways, this came up and it seems sweet.

So if anyone wants to join me, check it!

Time In and Time Out

(Here is my first attempt at a column. I'm going to try to release a though provoking one every Tuesday and Thursday, but it might only be a weekly thing. Wish me luck!)

Today in this fast paced world, we barely have time to tie our shoes let alone connect with friends, and make plans for that oh-thank-god-it's Friday, moment.

Then came the internet, and life became so much easier.

Instead of finding the time to call our friends (you know how tricky that coordination of both of you being home is... phone tag anyone?), you can just simply type a message, and it might go straight to their phone! Or, write a little note on their wall asking about lunch on Thursday.

Now, as I sit here, totally not obstructed by time constraints, I think one of the best things that the internet has given us (for me at least) is blogging.

As a young, ambitious child, I always wanted to keep a diary. I was always attracted to those shiny plastic ones that is so in tune to your voice that only you can open it. Remember those ones?

Or even the simple ones with the sparkly unicorn on it that you had a key that would most definitely lose right away.

Everything about the diary was enchanting.

So why didn't I keep one?

I hated writing. I hated having huge white out streaks because I spelt something wrong, or wrote something I didn't want to. I hated the hand cramps you got. And I hated how messy my writing was then when I look back at it, I can barely decipher this premodern scrawl.

But then the blog appeared, and it was like a dream.

I can write everything I wanted. It will be neat and tidy. I can share my thoughts with the world. And I get a sweet layout to boot.

Then a few nights ago this thing called 'tumblr' came into my attention. I quickly decided to investigate, wondering if its some kind of band-wagon I want to hop onto. It wasn't really - though the concept is interesting.

Tumblr is basically a blog for those who don't want to blog. It's an easy way to post pictures, share video clips, quotes, etc. without having to write the long text that goes with it.

Now I do believe you can do that on tumblr, but I don't think that's the point.

Has our society gotten so constrained on time that we barely have time for the internet?

The Internet was supposed to be a tool for us to save time, and now we find shortcuts everyday.

Now instead of having to type in "www.google.ca" I can just go to this bar that is built right into my browser. If I wanted to check my email, I can simply press F12, and a widget will appear for me to do that.

Of course, this could also be considered pure convenience (which I have no doubt that it is) but we are taking short cuts for a short cut. Who knows what else we can cut?

We've already cut down on food by those milkshakes that apparently account for a meal, or all those bad-for-you yet so-good-to-eat instant foods that you basically throw in the microwave and zap into existence.

Maybe it is time to relax and enjoy life. Sure it has some shitty moments, and sure sometimes we are in a rush.

But I just read recently in a book (well actually on a test) that those who are rushed, just have poor time management.

And hell, I'm the queen of poor time management!

My day involves rolling out of bed, showering, grabbing something quick to eat and out the door in about an hour and a half. School school school... go home, do some work, sit online, and bed. Shake and repeat.

Now that this school year is over, I have a new mantra.

TIME IS PRECIOUS.

I'm going to train myself to wake up earlier (which means go to sleep earlier...), keep up with my school work (no more rushing to study), and rewarding myself for this work.

So as I sit here, drinking my beautiful mug of steaming tea, I salute you and hope you will join me in this conquest of enjoying life, and taking a moment to BREATHE.

Ice doesn't Help the Uncoordinated

We're in BLIZZARD MODE!!!!

Seriously, despite it being May and SUPPOSEDLY Spring, we pretty much had a freezing rain blizzard. Too bad I sent all my winter coats home to Grimsby!

And as I look out the window, it actually is snowing now. Yes the snow is staying on the ground. Guess I'll have to bring out my winter boots tomorrow cause I definitely almost had a 'Bella vs. ice' moment.

So Death Cab for Cutie was ammaaazzziinnnggg!!!!

It's an experience I would like to relive... but a few things different.

1. Not wear heels. I came from work and was too lazy to change my shoes.

2. Not be in the hella far reaches of the Sound Academy.

3. Get on the VIP balcony/figure out how the fuck to get up there.

4. Death Cab played more of their older songs... specifically from Plans.

But it was amazing.

And I got to see Paige <3

But I forgot my camera, so no pictures...

But here are some videos of the concert I went to from good ol' Youtube.

First song is Crooked Teeth and the next Soul Meets Body... both from Plans. Yes I am biased.

And urg, he sounds JUST like on the CD. He does not disappoint. And I also love the fact that he is engaged to Zoey Deschanel who is like my fashion icon/favorite actress.

Now I need to study like fucking crazy.

Thankfully the test I am worried about failing the course in... well I only need a 40% on the test. So whee!

And I AM GOING TO BOSTON!

My parents pretty much forced me to go into work and beg my boss and he let me... without bribing him with sexual favors! YAHOO!

BOSTON!!!!!!!!!

AND MY SINGLE FILE CD IS THERE!!! WHEEEEE!!!!

So despite me seemingly in a good mood, I'm actually very tired, dreadful, and blah.

And still am completely lost in what I want to do with life.

I want to write.

But I don't have this natural talent like other people. I just write.

I'm not stylistic or pleasing to read.

I watched Marley & Me (super sad movie, but you need to seee it!) and I would LOVE to be a columnist. Would I talk about things people find relevant?

Probably not.

If anything I should start writing columns here and see how it goes.

What kind of column... I think it will be called 'Life of a Student'.

Sounds good right?

RIGHT?

Can you tell me why you have been so sad?

I am in such a shitty mood today.

I keep trying to forget how much stuff sucks and push through with a big smile and a chipper mood, but today just sucked balls. It had some ups, but unfortunately they weren't enough to stop me from wallowing in anger and tears.

I'm so stressed from school.

Failing classes sucks, and I need to get a 40% on this Media Studies test in order to pass the course. Seems easy enough, but for some reason I get the feeling I can't do it.

I also hate the feeling of how I don't have any money and thus can't even afford to buy food. And of course, our house is like out of food.

And I'm still freaking out over Hanzo. It breaks my heart to see him so unhealthy looking and I don't know what to do.

I'm stressing over finding a place to live next year. I know it still too early in the Toronto market, but the security would be nice. And I'm really worried we're going to have trouble finding a prime location for all of us. I still want to be near downtown because I just love being downtown... I love walking. But I know I won't get to enjoy the luxuries of walking to work like I do this year.

Should be fun though, moving in with great people.

I'm sad that I can't go to Boston. I just want to escape and it seems like I never can.

I also want to go see Valencia at the end of the month, but like always I am chained to this fucking city. I want to leave, but I have no where to go and nothing to do.

And I'm terrified of what lies beyond university. I feel like I am running myself into a dead end. I don't have nearly the good grades to get into a decent grad school.. or any at all for that matter. And I don't know what my degree is going to do.

I want to write for a magazine, or work for one, or something... but I suck at writing and talking to some of my friends... they seem to have their whole lives planned out with no worry. I don't think i'll ever be able to do what I want to and will just end up working stupid jobs forever.

I haven't been able to sleep these last few nights. So I've been reading Hunter Thompsons biography again... it makes me so sad that he lived such a great life to be written about. Sad and jealous.

My book would be:

She was born.

She lived.

She existed.

She faded.

The end.

Pretty much.

I feel so helpless and alone, for some reason.

I still feel like I shouldn't exist. That I have no reason to exist and thus shouldn't.

I want to be free like Edna Pontellier.

Maybe I will....

But I had some good moments.

Went for sushi with a friend.

Goofed off with her at school and barely did any work (oops!)

And went to a fun birthday party and met some fun people.

I'm very luck to have the friends I do. I must be so annoying with these mood swings.

I can never seem happy. And I always push all my problems onto them.. hoping they will share the burden with me.

I'm sorry friends... and I thank you for still being mine - I can totally understand if you're sick of me.

Currently Listening to: Attack in Black - The Curve of the Earth

I Can't Sleep

The clock is glowing 4:30 in the darkness, interrupted only by the blinding light blaring from my laptop monitor.

Toronto is fast asleep - except for me.

Rather, I am wide awake, my mind reeling with thoughts of the events to come in the next few days - decisions to be made, sacrifices, and events.

I think I need to drop this course.

Honestly, my parents will kill me, but I think for the good of my sanity and life I should drop it. I'm running around a 50% in the course, which is just a pass - of course this doesn't include the wonderful website I made, actually I don't even know how well (or bad) I did on it, but with the track record of my tests... I don't think I will do very well on the last one... which covers all the course material.

So I think I should drop the course. Unfortunately, I don't know if I can afford to. The course itself is $700, so that is basically $700 down the drain.

It's so ridiculous how much school costs. And in the end, though I may have gained some knowledge, and if I'm lucky some life experience... ultimately I just get a piece of paper.

There are so many better things in the world to do... and much more real ways to gain experience and knowledge. Of course, in order to do that you need money. And in order to get money you need a job. And in order to get a job, you need that piece of paper.

Funny, if not stupid, how life works, isn't it?

I was supposed to go to Boston next weekend with my parents to visit my brother. I miss him. But my boss booked me to work Saturday, and though I was going to tell him the mistake, I need the money. If he put me to work any other day of that week it would be fine, but he didn't... and I really need the money.

It's so stupid how I have to sacrifice life to work just so I can experience life.

It's so ridiculous, I can't even afford to feed myself right now, but I know my parents will kill me if I tell them that because they will just ask where my money went...

And this is where it went to: music, eating out, concerts.

That's pretty much it.

Oh and this ridiculous expensive haircut. Won't be getting another one of those for some time, but I do admit it turned out fantastic.

So now I am muddling over thoughts.

Needing to drop this course and really having no one to blame but myself for why I am failing it.

I'm just not built for school - my mind wanders like the wind and I'd rather be doing hands-on work than sitting in a classroom listening to someone try to teach me.

I'd much rather teach myself.

Maybe I should drop out and look at college courses.

Hmm...

Well back to not sleeping.

All these events that occurred over the past months have gotten me staying up till 5 in the morning. Now my sleep schedule is all fucked up.

Maybe if I stay up all night I can regulate myself tomorrow night.

Oh well.

Reason to Believe

Listening to this song almost made me cry.

Almost.

This Made Me Smile

??? says:

and u are so not a horrible person

Ming-Ming says:

Oh I am.

??? says:

no wai

Ming-Ming says:

Yup, It's the sad truth of life.

??? says:

i cant believe it i have no proof of it so HA! u are still a good person in my eyes and there will no clouding of that judgement so therefore u are not a horrible person

Ming-Ming says:

AW! thanks <3

??? says:

good now you start believing it :P

Ming-Ming says:

haha. Well, I believe YOU, but other people say different.

??? says:

well screw them

Ming-Ming says:

yeah, my friend told me to stop opening the emails cause they make me so upset, but my curoisity gets the better of me >.<>

??? says:

curiosity is not a sign of a bad person and neither is knowing what other people think of you...there are always jerks who don't like you and thats that no use trying to be "better" in their eyes if its not who u are or want to be and besides if they dont liek you for some reason then thats their problem...sorry about the wall of text

Ming-Ming says:

haha no problem, it's made me feel less crappy believe it or not

Ming-Ming says:

I'm glad i have you as a friend *hugsss* ^^

??? says:

good :P feeling down on urself is no way to live the glass is alway half full...*hugs back* ;)

I'm so fucking lucky to have some really good friends.

And to lighten the mood...

I Don't Know

what the fuck is going on anymore...

I'm tired of my beliefs getting fucked up. I'm tired of feeling one way but being told I'm wrong and then hating myself.

I'm tired of all this mess...

Dead End Countdown

This is all I have to say...

Exiled and pushed away, lost in time, always I’ll be
this bitter person, who’s stuck right here, disillusioned
Don’t stand by if you don..t like what you see
So unsatisfied, no I won’t take what you say to me

Give me some time, give me some reason
Make up your mind and cool down the fever
The drama must die, so give me some way to salvage this life
Finally its over

You outta’ stay away ‘til you see what runs through me
Unless you get this game, the only one I want to play
My promise is cold, you’ve never been told?
There’s nothing to hide, I never did lie.
There’s no way to win, when love is in vain.
I won’t take what you say to me

Give me some time, give me some reason
Make up your mind and cool down the fever
The drama must die, so give me some way to salvage this life
Finally its over

I know were stuck inside a dead end,
Countdown, with no communication
Straight down, we’re drowning in our desperation,
We’re lost beneath the surface.

Give me some time, give me some reason
Make up your mind and cool down the fever
The drama must die, so give me some way to salvage this life
Finally its over

50 Random Facts (about me) That can Change the World (Or your opinion of me)

1. I spend more money on music than food - not because music is more expensive, it's just a hell of a lot better than food.

2. I've gone through 'scene' phases in my life. I used to not care what I dressed like to emo, to fashionista, and now I'm just happy being whatever... skinny jeans, band tees, hoodies and converse are the life for me.

3. I want to get a nose piercing and a tattoo so badly, but care enough about what my parents think to not get one.

4. I am super self conscious about my body. I have bad skin, I think my breasts are too large, I know I'm overweight, and I hate how short I am.

5. I look weird without glasses, but I want to get contacts JUST so I can wear sunglasses.

6. I love orchids. Not sure why but I have an obsession with growing them and pride myself in not killing them.

7. I'm a crazy bird lady. If I could, I'd be more than happy living my life breeding birds and listening to music. Weird eh?

8. I'm incredibly shy. When meeting people I don't know, it sometimes takes time for me to warm up with them. Until then, I am usually awkwardly quiet, or make very random and stupid remarks. Whoops!

9. I do not believe in censorship on my blog. I know this has been a past issue, and sometimes I regret doing what I do. But my blog is my personal space. As long as I am not openly flaming named people and linking their myspace page, then it's cool to me.

10. For some reason I find people in bands, or people who love music, easier to get along with.

11. I treasure my friends. If something is seriously wrong, I will get on a freaking plane to hug you. (Despite how terribly broke I am.)

12. I really want to learn how to skateboard, but am too shy to because I know I'll look like a moron.

13. I can't deny I download a lot of music.

14. My room is smaller than a dorm room and I have trouble picturing myself living in a bigger room. I have so much stuff it's literally piled every where and it takes me one step to get from my bed to the door.

15. I tell my mom everything. I never had a very close relationship with my parents until I moved out.

16. I grew up in a small town where notable attractions are the Library and the Skate park.

17. I've only had one boyfriend in my lifetime... and that was four years ago.

18. I make a lot of impulse decisions and often regret them, but I learn to adapt.

19. I don't know how to ride a bike! So weird eh? I usually take the public transit or walk. I love walking.

20. I have a guilty pleasure for Britney Spears, chick flicks, and chick lits. I love Meg Cabot's chick lits. And I can watch Sex and the City on repeat for hours.

21. Stickers are amazing. So are buttons. I am covering my dresser with stickers, my parents hate it but I love it! <3

22. I want to start collecting band guitar picks and then framing them when I have enough. So far I have... one... BOO. It's Marianas Trench though.. yay!

23. My music taste differs a lot. Sometimes I like pop rock and will only listen to that. Other times I will listen to indie folk music.

24. I actually only have two pictures of me with a band guy.. wait maybe three or four. I never ask for them, mainly because I am too shy/don't care that much. They are two guys from Sing it Loud, one of Alex from ATL, and one with Travis from The Mission District who is technically a friend.

25. I can't lie. I dream of dating a guy in a band, haha.

26. I think cancer is the worst, most evil thing in the world.

27. I hate people who always try to make themselves better than me. It's stupid, arrogant and annoying.

28. I also hate people who complain, but are too lazy to do anything about their problem.

29. I always need to be doing something with my hands. This usually ends up with me picking at scabs. Gross, I know, but it's a bad nervous habit.

30. I also shake my leg when I am sitting. It annoys people a lot, but I don't even realize I am doing it.

31. Despite calling myself an artistic person, and loving the arts, I don't really have any aptitude for it. I can't paint, or do drama of any sort. I can play violin, but I'm not very good, and too lazy/busy to work at it. But I think I will seriously work on it come next year.

32. I can't stand up to people. And when I do, I usually have a mental break down in the process.

33. I hate school. I would drop out if I could.

34. I can sleep all day and stay up all night. I usually try. I sleep until about 11am, and stay up til about 2 or 3am. I need to fix it, but I love the night so much better.

35. I used to walk around at night alone a lot, but I almost got kidnapped one time, so I stopped.

36. I have no upper body strength.

37. I've lived a super sheltered life, so I don't know a lot of things of what people talk about. I usually don't say anything and make a mental note to google it after.

38. I google EVERYTHING.

39. I have an obsession with watching animals, or history civilization shows on the Discovery Channel. I also love the Discovery Channel theme song.

40. I used be an avid World of Warcraft player. I raided four days a week from 6pm to 1am - I was in the top raiding guild of my server. I am a huge nerd.

41. I tried to play Dungeons and Dragons once, but I couldn't stop laughing.

42. When I hear of popular bands, and don't really like them, I get super self conscious wondering if maybe I should like them, and that in actuality they are really good but I'm just crazy.

43. I'm very bad at certain 'band' things I should be good at... for example I never know what people in bands are named, and occasionally know what they look like. I also rarely know background informations.

44. Some of my most favorite bands are bands that my crushes love, and I found when creeping them. I'm an awesome internet creeper, I can't lie =p haha!

45. Some bands that sound familiar I won't be able to tell them apart if I don't listen to them.

46. I know this questions if I am a true music fan, but I don't think it should. I'm here to love music, and make friends.

47. I wish I had cool connections so I can get free stuff from bands, haha.

48. I have problems locking up with I talk to people of influence. Whether it be a professor, band guy, someone I am attracted to, or just someone who has a commanding presence. It's almost like I have star-fright or something. I just never know what to say and end up standing in an awkward silence.

49. Despite being 19, I know very little about what kind of alcohol is out there. I don't drink a lot, but I usually need just one drink to loosen up in an awkward situation. I also don't smoke or do drugs - nor am I ever planning to.

50. I used to hate my life. But now I try to remind myself to be thankful for the things out there, and try to live every moment.

Waking up past Noon again, Figured out I have no Friends

I've had a busy few days!

So be prepared for a lot of random jibberish and pictures!

First thing is first... OMG I have comments! And not from friends, from people I don't know! (I can only assume...)

When I saw '3 comments' I was like... "Uh oh, hate mail." But amazingly they were both very amusing and encouraging messages.

So thank you!

Next, I went to Grimsby to pick up a mouth guard and I am now choking on a mouth guard because I grind my teeth... yay!

Now the boring news aside...

So Friday, Heather planned some random trip to go to Niagara Falls... it was SO much fun! I made some new friends, and it was like sexy awesome fun times.

We went around to the wax museums and got lost in a hall of mirrors and had many a crotch shots... yay!

I hung out with Paige in the Grimsby drinking coolers, being classy with wine, and playing Busta Groove 2... it was a sweet day.

Now today is like an epic day in my life.

Well this month has been pretty epic. Not only have I seen Valencia live.. but now I've seen Rides Again!

I forgot how much fun it is to go a real rock concert. And it was 19+ (my first 19+ concert where I am actually 19, yay!). It was nice for the doors to not open at 3:30pm, though it was weird being probably the youngest person there. None the less, Rides Again kicks some serious ass and it's fun rocking out!

And they are super NICE guys!

Seriously, Rides Again is probably my top 10 bands.. let's see if I can make a Top 10 Band list... at least Top 10 at the moment. Here it is, in no particular order...

1. Attack in Black

2. Valencia

3. Rides Again

4. Alexisonfire

5. Death Cab for Cutie - one week!

6. Tokyo Police Club

7. Armor for Sleep

8. Cobra Starship

9. Incubus

10. Phantom Planet - on indefinite hiatus =(

Wow that was actually harder than I thought. I'd love to throw Sherwood, Limbeck, Copeland, and tons other on the list, but I'll have to stick with that... And I've seen the bolded ones. Not bad, not bad.

I have half of them at least...

It's actually really strange, I was talking about this with Heather that I saw Rides Again at my high school so many years ago, and yet I didn't listen to music in high school.... Maybe I'd listen to mainstream stuff, but Grimsby really didn't have a music scene.

Then my last year of high school / moving to Toronto my whole life has changed and music quite literally IS my life. I'd die without it, and I even want to base my career off of it.

Crazy isn't it?

So I'm still pretty new to all this concert going stuff. I've only started going since I moved to Toronto (for obvious reasons), and I only wish I got into it sooner.

So now I am sitting here, reflecting on my awesome night, listening to Attack in Black 'Years' vinyl, and choking on my mouthguard. No idea how I am going to sleep with this in.

Tomorrow I need to catch up hardcore on school work, and pick up a vinyl from the post office. I do believe it's The Clash's Combat Rock, yahoo!

I'm also contemplating what is going to happen when Heather has to move away =(

We've been friends for quite a while (ever since I randomly asked to be her friend at The Mission District's MTV thing... so random, haha) and she is definitely one of the people I think fate truly brought us together.

Unfortunately, we've only started REALLY hanging out recently, and it's been a terrible blast. I'm only saying terrible because it's going to make me miss her SO much when she is gone next year =(

But I said I'd visit her, and she'll probably be stuck with me for a week, haha. But I don't know what I am going to do without all this impromptu road trips, fun concert times and 'Whyyyy d you have SOOTHERS?'

I guess all we can do is treasure the moments we have, and just keep living in the moment, enjoying life, and ROCKING ON!