I Can't Sleep

The clock is glowing 4:30 in the darkness, interrupted only by the blinding light blaring from my laptop monitor.

Toronto is fast asleep - except for me.

Rather, I am wide awake, my mind reeling with thoughts of the events to come in the next few days - decisions to be made, sacrifices, and events.

I think I need to drop this course.

Honestly, my parents will kill me, but I think for the good of my sanity and life I should drop it. I'm running around a 50% in the course, which is just a pass - of course this doesn't include the wonderful website I made, actually I don't even know how well (or bad) I did on it, but with the track record of my tests... I don't think I will do very well on the last one... which covers all the course material.

So I think I should drop the course. Unfortunately, I don't know if I can afford to. The course itself is $700, so that is basically $700 down the drain.

It's so ridiculous how much school costs. And in the end, though I may have gained some knowledge, and if I'm lucky some life experience... ultimately I just get a piece of paper.

There are so many better things in the world to do... and much more real ways to gain experience and knowledge. Of course, in order to do that you need money. And in order to get money you need a job. And in order to get a job, you need that piece of paper.

Funny, if not stupid, how life works, isn't it?

I was supposed to go to Boston next weekend with my parents to visit my brother. I miss him. But my boss booked me to work Saturday, and though I was going to tell him the mistake, I need the money. If he put me to work any other day of that week it would be fine, but he didn't... and I really need the money.

It's so stupid how I have to sacrifice life to work just so I can experience life.

It's so ridiculous, I can't even afford to feed myself right now, but I know my parents will kill me if I tell them that because they will just ask where my money went...

And this is where it went to: music, eating out, concerts.

That's pretty much it.

Oh and this ridiculous expensive haircut. Won't be getting another one of those for some time, but I do admit it turned out fantastic.

So now I am muddling over thoughts.

Needing to drop this course and really having no one to blame but myself for why I am failing it.

I'm just not built for school - my mind wanders like the wind and I'd rather be doing hands-on work than sitting in a classroom listening to someone try to teach me.

I'd much rather teach myself.

Maybe I should drop out and look at college courses.

Hmm...

Well back to not sleeping.

All these events that occurred over the past months have gotten me staying up till 5 in the morning. Now my sleep schedule is all fucked up.

Maybe if I stay up all night I can regulate myself tomorrow night.

Oh well.