Can you tell me why you have been so sad?

I am in such a shitty mood today.

I keep trying to forget how much stuff sucks and push through with a big smile and a chipper mood, but today just sucked balls. It had some ups, but unfortunately they weren't enough to stop me from wallowing in anger and tears.

I'm so stressed from school.

Failing classes sucks, and I need to get a 40% on this Media Studies test in order to pass the course. Seems easy enough, but for some reason I get the feeling I can't do it.

I also hate the feeling of how I don't have any money and thus can't even afford to buy food. And of course, our house is like out of food.

And I'm still freaking out over Hanzo. It breaks my heart to see him so unhealthy looking and I don't know what to do.

I'm stressing over finding a place to live next year. I know it still too early in the Toronto market, but the security would be nice. And I'm really worried we're going to have trouble finding a prime location for all of us. I still want to be near downtown because I just love being downtown... I love walking. But I know I won't get to enjoy the luxuries of walking to work like I do this year.

Should be fun though, moving in with great people.

I'm sad that I can't go to Boston. I just want to escape and it seems like I never can.

I also want to go see Valencia at the end of the month, but like always I am chained to this fucking city. I want to leave, but I have no where to go and nothing to do.

And I'm terrified of what lies beyond university. I feel like I am running myself into a dead end. I don't have nearly the good grades to get into a decent grad school.. or any at all for that matter. And I don't know what my degree is going to do.

I want to write for a magazine, or work for one, or something... but I suck at writing and talking to some of my friends... they seem to have their whole lives planned out with no worry. I don't think i'll ever be able to do what I want to and will just end up working stupid jobs forever.

I haven't been able to sleep these last few nights. So I've been reading Hunter Thompsons biography again... it makes me so sad that he lived such a great life to be written about. Sad and jealous.

My book would be:

She was born.

She lived.

She existed.

She faded.

The end.

Pretty much.

I feel so helpless and alone, for some reason.

I still feel like I shouldn't exist. That I have no reason to exist and thus shouldn't.

I want to be free like Edna Pontellier.

Maybe I will....

But I had some good moments.

Went for sushi with a friend.

Goofed off with her at school and barely did any work (oops!)

And went to a fun birthday party and met some fun people.

I'm very luck to have the friends I do. I must be so annoying with these mood swings.

I can never seem happy. And I always push all my problems onto them.. hoping they will share the burden with me.

I'm sorry friends... and I thank you for still being mine - I can totally understand if you're sick of me.

Currently Listening to: Attack in Black - The Curve of the Earth